Saturday, March 14, 2009

More on that

Well,now it is the weekend before surgery. I feel apprehensive and on the inside, if I would let myself, I'd be screaming. Sometimes there is something freeing in being able to scream. I had to learn that. I used to think that it was "undignified" to give your feelings that much vent. It's really quite primal. Maybe I'll pencil in some screaming for today.
What I'm thinking about:
*I've met the surgeon twice, and had to decide if I trust her enough to let her cut into my body.
*I don't like loosing any of me. It's part of a whole -- me.
*Anesthesia scares me. When I dream, I still am aware of me. When you are under, there is nothing. Just black. Totally irrational, I think: "What if I die, I wouldn't know that I'm dead." Because I can't feel myself.
* It's hard for me to give up control over myself and let someone else have it. Especially someone whom I don't know.

And there you have it. Say a little prayer for me, if you do pray. Or think a healthy thought.
Goddess willing I'll be back soon.

2 comments:

Cedar said...

I really wish I would have check your Blog last week, because I had a hysterectomy last year and I felt many of things you did. Especially about not wanting to lose my uterus even though I never used it. I actually experienced a period of mourning.

Etayne said...

Thank you for your thoughts -- there are certainly a lot of feelings and emotions going on. I will definitely head your warning and take it easy.
They didn't let me take the morphin pump home. :(